Monday, January 04, 2016

If you were an actual story, my love

If you were an actual story, my love, you would have a plot, that structure of narrative points that makes a tale comprehensible. It might be a light and airy plot, like the joyful flight of a lark on a clear summer morn. Or it might be dark and dreary, the slogging of the last dragon, dying in an endless slough. But it would not be hidden away from sight, beneath paste and powder, like a pimple on prom night.

If you were an actual story, my love, you would have characterization. Some of your characters might be good people (or even dinosaurs, brrrr…) that sometimes do bad things if even for good reasons. And a few might even be bad people who do good things on rare occasions. But they would never be limited to cardboard victims and free-floating Hitler mustaches drawn in crayon.

If you were an actual story, my love, you would reward the reader for the small portion of his life he invested in you. You would never drive him to check his watch, first every stanza, then every sentence, then every blank space that appears, like a cool desert oasis, between each tiresome word. You would never make a thousand words seem as wearisome as a thousand years on the rack, nor feel as rancid as a thousand maggots burrowing out of the reader’s living belly.

If you were an actual story, my love, you would read and feel nothing like “If You Were a Dinosaur, My Love.”

UPDATE:

Hi Bill,

Your account was recently brought to our attention.  Upon review, we have decided to remove it from the site.  You are banned from using Goodreads in any capacity going forward.

Sincerely,
The Goodreads Team

I guess they liked it.

3 comments:

Stormhound said...

I don't know who to be more upset with...her, for wasting my time with that writing, or you, for providing a link to it.

I'll pick you. I only skimmed little bits of that schlock. ;)

El Borak said...

That schlock, as you call it, is award-winning science fiction, I'll have you know. Philistine.

bob k. mando said...

*slow clap*