I'd rather be a rogue

What D&D character class are you?? Your Result: Rogue A.K.A. thief. honesty makes a poor man, and you never want to be poor. Nor do you want to work for what you get. Quick feet and quicker hands are the tools of your trade. Shadows hide you so your foes are defeated before they see you.
Monk
Barbarian
Wizard
Bard
Fighter
Druid
Cleric
What D&D character class are you?? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

... which is weird, since I did not answer the obvious rogue question "correctly." And it's a shame when I have to pick Eminem as my favorite anything, if only because he's the only choice I actually liked a single song of*. Why couldn't Bruce Dickinson or Ronnie James Dio make the list?

But I do dislike the "A.K.A. thief." A proper rogue is not a thief, or rather, while he can steal, stealing-for-stealing's sake is neither his mode nor his purpose. His objective is simply to accomplish his primary purpose via stealth and dexterity rather than via strength or magic. The rogue may pick a chest's lock to liberate its contents, but does that make him any more a thief than the fighter who bashes the lid off to do so?

The proper rogue cultivates a plethora of unusual skills; pickpocketing is just one of them and a very rarely-used one at that**. The rogue is a master of scouting, of seeking and finding, of the quick, critical attack. He is often the first into battle (though seldom the last out), and while he usually dishes out less total punishment than other members of the party, he can consistently administer blistering damage, quickly, and precisely where it is most needed. He is the quick-witted, quicker-fingered jack of all trades and he learns more of them faster than anyone else***. He develops an eye for quality and a taste for the finer things, but he is less obnoxious in his acquiring of them than most others.

My first D&D character was a fighter, perhaps not surprisingly named El Borak. My second was a ranger. But once I discovered the rogue class, I never wanted to play anything else.

* Well, actually I liked the Weird Al version of whatever that one song was. And sure, Al did some good covers of that other guy, but it was too, too many and they were far too easy.

** Seriously, what's a 0-level squab in a 2cp-a-night tavern going to have in his pocket? The Ring of Gaxx?

*** One reason mine usually "cover" as itinerant scholars.