Ask El Borak

There seems to be a bit of confusion out there over the real and potential effects of the Large Hadron Collider. On the one hand, a CNN Science Editor* assures us that, as he understands it, the Earth is in no danger. On the other hand, the respected** International Earth Destruction Advisory Board regrets to inform us that the earth has already been destroyed***.

I'm not the only one confused, therefore I feel an obligation take up the role once played by Kevin Bacon in Animal House and stand in front of the rampaging crowd screaming "All is well!" Remember, the most important thing is that people remain ignorant calm. Since I have no knowledge to get in the way, it's a service I am perhaps uniquely qualified to provide.

Erik wonders: "I am not a physicist myself, though I consider myself well-informed as a lay-physicist. I teach in the public high school of my hometown and try to incorporate certain principles and ideas of Newtonian and the New Physics into my English and Social Studies curricula... I am not sure how to respond to those Chicken-Littles out there with little or no understanding of particle physics."

Dear Erik: You're a high-school English teacher. Stick to Shakespeare.


Sam Bandak makes a discovery: "Do you notice the laser exponential progress of technology? Here is a summary:

5 Billion : Age of Life on Earth
4 Thousand : Civilization
3 Hundred : Real Civilization
2 Ten :Technology Explosion

It is obvious that the next line is “1-One”.

Is it The Large Hardon Collider?"

Dear Sam: I congratulate you on discovering that John Holmes will soon destroy the earth. Keep up the good work.


Anonymous asks: "what if they accidentaly the whole thing?"

Dear Anonymous: That would realy the whole thing.


Grace has never heard of subprime: "When an experiment puts the whole world and everyone in it in danger I think we need to rethink a bit."

Dear Grace: Housing prices always go up.


Jacqueline is trying to outfox God: "I am totally against this 'project' or 'game' as they call it. God does tell us in His Living Word that man shall destroy himself."

Dear Jaqueline: Who knows better, you or God? No, it's God. Trust me on this one.


Elizabeth is no Republican: "I am horrified at the amount of money spent on this project which has NO practical applications. There is a whole lot of suffering in this world that could be alleviated with 8 billion dollars."

Dear Elizabeth: Yes, it's called Lehman Brothers.


Vicky is no longer eating for two: "im a 17 year old girl and im 5 months pregnant. im getting really ticked off about all this fuss as ive stopped eating because im so scared that the world is going to end !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Dear Vicky: There are worse things than dying fat. At least I'm pretty sure there are.


Julio urges: "just pray and have hope that this experiment will no cause major damages or any minors."

Dear Julio: You should ask Vicky what causes minors.


Timothy has a practical question: "If the world ends, do I have to go to work that day?"

Dear Timothy: Not if you're salaried.

There. I hope that helps. Sleep well, and don't bother calling the boss if you're not going to show up. He won't be there, either. At least not if he's salaried.

* who admits that "particle physics is not my strong suit." He and I have much in common. Well, this anyway.

** Well, maybe just "impressively titled."

*** You may have noticed the red image on the left side of this page declaring such, though you may not have noticed that it has been sitting there a very a non-threatening green**** for the last two years. I myself was momentarily confused by the declaration on their website, because for an hour after the shocking notice was posted that image remained green. Now it's red, so at least their story is straight.

**** If the red one bothers you, click on it (what's the worst thing that could happen?) and you'll be taken to a post where I have saved the green one for posterity. If there is any.