Fourth Dwarf of the apocalypse: Hizzoner

The only current presidential candidate to appear on Queer as Folk and Saturday Night Live in drag, Rudolph William Louis Giuliani III (Dwarf Name: "Hizzoner") aspires to frolic in the footsteps of George W. Bush as the next Future ex-President of the United States by repeatedly impersonating Bush's mother, Barbara.

Hizzoner is a son of Italian immigrants (as Mike Dukakis would say, "My parents were little people - little swarthy people") who first made a name for himself as the US attorney prosecuting Marc Rich, who fled the country and was subsequently pardoned by Bill Clinton, and Pincus Green, who fled the country and was subsequently pardoned by Bill Clinton. He also prosecuted Ivan Boesky, forcing the financier to surrender almost half of his profits, and bond trader Michael Milken in highly-publicized show trials. The latter faced 520 years in prison and $11 billion in fines, but settled* for significantly less than that.

A favorite of the "Family Values" wing of the GOP, Hizzoner recently tied Newt Gingrich by marrying a third future ex-wife (Hizzoner currently leads the tiebreaker round because he and his current future ex-wife, Whatsername, have 5 marriages between them, one more than Gingrich and his current future ex-wife, Whatsername). A firm believer in the sanctity of non-incestuous marriage, Hizzoner had his first marriage annulled after 14 years when he discovered that he and his first future ex-wife were second cousins. He informed his second future ex-wife, Donna Hanover, of their upcoming divorce in a news conference, but after an expensive extensive geneological search, it was discovered that the happy couple were not actually second cousins, so Hizzoner paid Hanover $6.8 million to be once removed. An even more extensive expensive geneological search is expected to be conducted shortly after Hizzoner meets his next future ex-wife, the timing of which can only be speculated on as of this writing.

When America's Last Great Liberal retired in 2000, it was widely expected that Hizzoner (who had not yet received his Dwarf Name, answering instead to the unlikely moniker "Rudy") would face off against Second Dwarf Bitchy to replace him. However, at the last moment, Hizzoner contracted prostate cancer, upgraded to a hotter future ex-wife, and threatened to sue the town of Farmersville, New York, for believing his promises** instead.

Hizzoner received his official Dwarf Name while serving as mayor of New York City after accidentally defeating*** incumbent mayor David Dinkins. While in office, Hizzoner led a jury considering the case of Oliver Johnson, who sued his landlord because a scalding shower burned his Oliver Johnson. Hizzoner's widely-hailed leadership under boiling water led to his christening as "America's Future ex-Mayor." He was named Time's 2001 Future ex-Person of the Year, preceeding El Borak in that honor by a full five years****.

Since becoming America's Current ex-Mayor, Hizzoner has spent his time selling Nextel phones, being played by James Woods on video, becoming an ex-member of the Iraq Study Group, and locating a future ex-running mate who is hot but not his cousin.

* Milken served 22 months in prison for the crime of "making money while between Hizzoner and fame." He is currently ranked #382 on the Forbes list of the 400 richest Americans. Sadly, Hizzoner is not on the list.

** Hizzoner publicly boasted that any community that wished to refuse NYC's trash (Al Sharpton excepted) was free to do so. In response, the tiny town of Farmersville (pop. 350) announced cancellation of a trash contract with NYC that was not in their interest and banned Rev. Al from entering its city limits. Hizzoner threatened to personally drive Sharpton to the town to falsely accuse its police officers of kidnapping and rape, resulting in a backlash against the GOP in upstate New York and the election of Bitchy to the Senate.

*** Hizzoner was the first Republican elected mayor of New York City since Pericles pounded Testicles in 461bc.

**** I'll admit I did my best Faith Hill impression at the time. But I'm much better now that Time has fixed the oversight.