Today's Moron Gas News

Relax, America! Your elected officials know what it's like to be you, which is why they have worked their whole lives to be something else. But they slave away on your behalf, 93 days a year, and all they ask in return is a pension fund second to none and fact-finding trips to Jamaica every year. Now they are tanned, rested, and ready to save you from the crisis-du-jour. Today, it's high gas prices:

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Every American taxpayer would get a $100 rebate check to offset the pain of higher pump prices for gasoline, under an amendment Senate Republicans hope to bring to a vote Thursday.

I think the fiscally conservative GOP should just drop paper money out of helicopters instead. It's the only fair way to do it. I mean, why should the fact that somebody doesn't pay taxes keep them from getting free money from the government?

BEEVILLE - Spurred by rising gas prices, elected officials in Bee County are urging motorists to boycott fuel pumps in hopes of sparking a state trend...

County officials said they chose Exxon Mobil because it is the largest oil company in the United States. They hope competitors will be motivated to enter into a price war, driving the cost of fuel down.

And you think they came up with that idea all by themselves, right? No way. The idea is a tried-and-true one in Bee County. In fact, the voters boycotted thought during the last election cycle, motivating elected officials to enter an IQ war. The average is down to 72 with no bottom in sight.

"Since George Bush and Dick Cheney took over as president and vice president, gas prices have doubled!" charged Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.), standing at an Exxon station on Capitol Hill where regular unleaded hit $3.10. "They are too cozy with the oil industry."

She then hopped in a waiting Chrysler LHS (18 mpg) -- even though her Senate office was only a block away.

Here's a secret: God's a Republican. The GOP kneels next to their bed every night and begs, just begs, for feckless, helpless opponents. And God delivers them Barbara Boxer, Harry Reid, and Nancy Pelosi.

But the good news for the rest of us is though gas prices are front page news everywhere, CNN.com this morning has three stories (plus video) on Kellie's elimination from American Idol. After all, we have to keep some sense of what's really important.